Pervert’s Library

By Seth Grahame-Smith
Published in 2005 by Quirk Productons, Inc.

When I first started thumbing through the pages of the Big Book of Porn, I didn’t want to like it. For one thing, despite its title, it didn’t take long to notice that it contains almost nothing that is actually porn.Another thing I noticed was how slickly printed this book is. Not only is there an author, the book has a designer and illustrator. Every page is printed in full vibrant colors on heavy slick paper using designs that seem inspired by Adobe Flash, a fact which didn’t bode well for the actual words.

The book begins with a timeline of important events in the history of pornographic movies. While I might have omitted some events Grahame-Smith includes and included others he omits, this is hardly worth quibbling over and sets a good tone for the rest of the book.

The second section is devoted to reviews of classic porno films. It’s here that the omissions and inclusions bug me as Grahame-Smith’s tastes stay consistently mainstream and relatively tame. Each title includes a blurb that lists its director, cast, running time, fetishes covered, and memorable quote. Maybe I’m jaded, but facials and girl/girl just don’t rise to the level of fetish in my book. There’s little on his list that’s surprising or even outré which is a shame. Still, this is a handy reference of older titles that are worth watching. Grahame-Smith also uses this section to highlight some more recent pornographic films that he thinks will become classics and a pair of “weird” classics. There is a guide for caring for your porn included in this section which seems out of place.

Grahame-Smith next turns his attention to listing significant mainstream actors, actresses, and directors. These biographies were thorough but left me wanting more which is always a good sign. Once again in an attempt to stay current, he lists five current actresses who may reach the list someday. That left me wanting less.

The fourth section is devoted to the various genres of porn and places to procure porn. His survey of porn genres is akin to a guided tour of what you will find if you visit your local adult video store. (Or maybe it’s just the local stores I patronize?) At any rate, I have no idea who needs help finding adult movies. Or at least, I can’t imagine how anyone who couldn’t find it already would benefit from the advice in this book.

After a tour of the world as it relates to their laws and consumption of pornography, the book includes a lengthy section on how to make your own porn. Though I can’t imagine ever wanting to make my own homemade adult movie, if I ever do I will make a point to consult this book as the advice seems straightforward and beneficial.

The book concludes with a glossary of terms related to sex and pornographic movies. This is the book’s best moment. Instead of limiting the glossary to standard terms, it includes several which were quite unique. My personal favorite is “Hunting Bin Laden” defined as “Flooding on of your partner’s orifices with liquid, either through an enema or by urinating into them.” It was nice to know there was a common term for that. I personally always called it jet skiing after the text following an advertising store sign “WATER SPORTS ARE HERE!”

I wish that coverage was more inclusive - there’s not any meaningful mention of gay porn and the even the straight porn is limited to the most mainstream of stuff. However, Graham-Smith is such a fantastic writer he easily overcomes that limitation. He manages to write about porn in a manner that is funny without being corny or juvenile. In anyone else’s hands, this book would have turned into a cheesy mess.

Edited by Robin Bougie
Published in 2007 by Fab Press

I don’t like comics. I suppose comics are fine if you are a little kid, but adults should have much better things to do than read comics.

I also don’t like going to the movies. If you catch me after I stand in line, pay way too much for my ticket, and get raped at the concession stand you will already have me ready to join any plan that calls for genocide. Add to that enduring the company of so many people who are using what might otherwise be precious air, and yours truly is done.

While I could watch movies at home, I rarely have the time and even less rarely have the inclination. Another hassle is that getting a good movie involves more energy than I care to invest. One problem is that there really aren’t many avenues available to get the sorts of movies that appeal to me. Some of you might be content to go to a certain national chain I won’t mention by name (it rhymes with cock duster), I think a trip there has all the appeal of the traditional movie theater.

Another thing that limits my movie watching is that few movies tickle my fancy. Even watching XXX movies is tedious. Porn is the kind of experience that should leave you feeling queasy and disturbed by the state of humanity. Unfortunately, the supply of such fare is scant and the overwhelming majority of what the porn store stocks is a bore.

So what is someone that dislikes comics and movies doing reading this book? It’s simple, Bougie’s work is so good, I couldn’t put this down. Bougie’s talent as an artist and enthusiasm for his subject comes through on each and every page such that I reconsidered my aversion to comics and movies.

The pages of Cinema Sewer focus on coverage of obscure horror, low budget 60s and 70s exploitation, Hong Kong cinema, and (my personal favorite) classic and extreme pornography.

Though Bougie’s love of extreme and obscure movies shines through in his writing, it doesn’t obscure his objectivity. When a film is good, Bougie’s excitement is contagious. If a film is bad, his criticism is biting, thought provoking, and entertaining.

While I could go on and on in singing the praises of Cinema Sewer, it is so good that you should experience it yourself. If you buy no other book this year, it should be this one. Truly the best book I have read in some time.